Glenn Beck’s Nine Principles

Posted on 03/14/2009 at 9:15 am by JumpyPants

Yes, Beck has principles. But I thought there was only one: “Say deliberately crazy things and mug to the camera with doughy punch-me face.”

Seriously, check them out then tell me if they sound a little bit like a daily affirmation:

I don’t have to be a great basketball player.

I don’t have to dribble the ball fast, or throw the ball into the basket.

Because all I have to do is be the best Michael I can be.

Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!

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  • Ruthie

    I love the one about if I break the law I will be punished. Those kinds of people obey laws the same way they follow the Bible. Pick and choose what parts they like, try to force everyone else to obey the parts that they like and ignore the rest.

  • http://nanotyrnns.blogspot.com/ Nanotyrannus

    The one about breaking the law confused me. I thought the husband and wife are the ultimate authority, not the government. George Bush taught us that people that are the ultimate authority don’t have to submit to the law. I’m confused!I especially love the perversion of the “Join, or Die” flag. Very original and very reminiscent of the Revolution. Now let’s all get out there and revolute!

  • http://nadsofthor.wordpress.com Redmond

    I’m still trying to figure out what hell the 12 Values are doing there. So there’s really, what, 21 principles? We’ve got Wingnut Blackjack, folks!Adding, thanks, Bob!

  • GIthePotato

    WOOOT!!!

  • GIthePotato

    12 Values* Honesty* Reverence* Hope* Thrift* Humility* Charity* Sincerity* Moderation* Hard Work* Courage* Personal Responsibility* GratitudeThrift? Really?Glenn needs to give up his HUMMER and nice houses. He must only shop at WalMart/Dollar General with the rest of the unwashed masses. You know what, FUCK IT!Glenn needs to wear a white robe with a purple sash and instead of “12 Principles” he needs his “12 apostles”.

  • SillyRatfacedGit

    Beck needs 500 mg of thorazine, a straight-jacket, and a rubber room. Not necessarily in that order.

  • thruwithbuzz

    “It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion.” I seem to remember being called a traitor when I disagreed with George W.

  • Kat

    I can’t watch Glenn Beck because I can’t afford a new tv at the moment. What a self-righteous, delusional prick.That being said, great post, Redmond!

  • veralynn

    where was this douche for the last 8 years? telling us that we couldn’t say anything negative or disagree because we “are in a time of war”god i hate these people. the sad part is the majority of people in this country do not see the raging red hypocrisy of it alldicks, all of them

  • D. C.

    I think I know what Beck’s role on Fox News is. He’s there to make Bill-O the Clown look reasonable and sane.

  • rogect8

    …..10. Wear special underwear to protect myself from evil.

  • http://cousinavi.wordpress.com cousinavi

    I read that list, and Glenn Beck evinces not a single one.Not one.And the ones he most nearly attempts are obvious and pathetic frauds.His face was made for punchin’, and that’s just what i’ll do…one of these days these mitts are gonna punch all over…fuck it doesn’t rhyme with Glenn.

  • Kevin

    Glenn Beck has lost his fucking mind. I realize that such a claim assumes the presence of a mind at all–an arguable claim. I’ve always seen Beck as the choice of conservatives inadequately cerebral for Rush.

  • Lulu

    I tend to avoid any article or story that even mentions this idiot’s name, but I finally decided to take a peak. Priceless. And people really listen to this guy? Really? You have got to be kidding me.