Spazzy White Guys in Lower Manhattan

Posted on 03/07/2009 at 1:59 pm by JumpyPants

Just wanted to explain this frame for those of you just joining us.

If you’ve spent any amount of time watching CNBC, you will have witnessed the madness.

Every time I dial it up, there’s a white guy in a very serious shirt and tie screaming some sort of urgent breaking news as if the world were imploding upon itself — a weird indicator or quarterly report read aloud in a tone of voice that swings between loud and loud and panicky. In general: spazzy. As Carell says in Anchorman: LOUD NOISES! That’s CNBC. 24 hours a day.

For about three months between late 2007 and early 2008, I watched CNBC, but I had to stop. It would literally ruin my day. It was like waking up an immediately being assaulted by Republicans yelling into my ear about how rapidly I would either get rich or die broke. And when the spazzy white guys go away, they’re replaced by Suze Orman with her wild staring eyes scolding me for not collecting spare change from my couch cushions.

For those of you who can endure CNBC, good for you. Enjoy your stress-shortened lives.

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  • Cpandtle

    ExactlyThe problem with CNBC is that they are constantly jumping from each “breaking news” change in a stock to another, in order to fill their 24-hour-a-day news requirement. However, this practice is remarkably stupid, as stocks need time to evolve, and a second by second recap of what is happening gives only a small glimpse into a much bigger picture.

  • http://www.osborneink.com Matt Osborne

    There’s a trick to CNBC: turn the sound off. I learned this at the gym, where someone always puts one of the widescreen TVs on CNBC every afternoon and I catch glimpses of it as I work out. It’s much more bearable when all you can hear is the pump-pump dance music of the spin class next door.

  • http://rick.me Rick Roberts

    Thank you, Bob, for giving voice to my feelings. I got rid of the whole TV, and I am better off for it. The cable news channels are all about branding every “crisis” or event with its own dramatic music and fly-in graphics. It was making me nuts. And I hate seeing those stupid anchors with their rolled-up shirt sleeves or leaning away from a computer monitor with a pen in their hand.Life is better and quieter if you stay informed via the Internet and NPR. Stay away from commercial TV and radio.

  • Terri

    Bob, geez, you are always right on the mark!Bingo on this one, too :)

  • Elena

    I thought the same thing watching CNN one afternoon at the airport, there were all these over the top graphics, a sense of urgency in the announcer’s tone, as if a nuclear attack was imminent. I was thinking, no wonder people think the sky is falling. *Note this was about a year or two ago, before the sky really did start falling.

  • Alan4s

    …I was thinking, no wonder people think the sky is falling. *Note this was about a year or two ago, before the sky really did start falling.

    Oh shit. The sky is falling? Probably Obama’s fault, right?

  • http://cousinavi.wordpress.com cousinavi

    “Where you off to, Bob?”Grandma’s house.”Whatcha got in the basket, Bob?”My sanity.”Well…ain’t that sweet. I’ll…uh…see you later, Bob.”/big teeth

  • http://therealjonlester.blogspot.com Jon Lester

    Great; I’ve been insulted by you and Paddy at TPC in the same day for the same thing. And I was just starting to enjoy contributing comments here.

  • idreamofskiba

    I know absolutely NOTHING about the stock market, or whatever, but could someone please explain this to me? If they want to make the stupid argument that this is all President Obama’s fault because everyone freaked out when he was elected…then wouldn’t it still be the fault of the SWGILM for acting, well, spazzy just because he was elected?

  • ceu

    I used to watch CNBC every day – from Squawk Box until Maria Bartiromo (sp?) started speaking. I didn’t agree with most of what was said, but I learned a helluva lot.Not sure I could stand it now, tho.

  • bibimimi

    SpazzNBC…hertofore so addressed.

  • SillyRatfacedGit

    Skiba – exactly. See self fulfilling prophesy.Let’s do the Spazz Warp again.It’s just a jump to the right (It would have to be the right, right?)And then a step to the left.Put your hands on your purse.And bring your knees in tight.And it’s a pelvic thrust, that will drive them insay yay yaya insane.Let’s do the spazz warp again.Let’s do the spazz warp again.

  • AdyLeigh

    SillyGit, who insulted Jon? What’d I miss?

  • AdyLeigh

    This is CNBC’s response to Jon Stewart. Tell me if the link works or not.http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=69380427360&h=rp7Gs&u=l1v4s

  • AdyLeigh

    Alright the link is above. But if it doesn’t work, this was CNBC’s response to Jon Stewart:CNBC: “It’s not my fault you’re like, in love with me, or something!”Posted by Bess Levin, Mar 06, 2009, 1:14pmSo, we were wondering when and how CNBC was going to respond to Jon Stewart’s now-nightly hits on the network and here it is. An on-air CNBC employee tells Dealbreaker that the reason Rickles canceled on Stewie is that the latter is thought (probably 100% mistakenly) to be “bizarrely obsessed” with the former, as supposedly evidenced by JS calling RS “repeatedly” to come on the show.* And the chatter going around Englewood Cliffs is that Stewart– and we deserve a prize for getting through this without pissing our pants in laughter, crying our eyes out in tears of sadness for those who actually believe this– “is smitten with Santelli’s Grecian good looks and is secretly in love with him…hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”*Which, you know, is kinda standard when trying to book a guest.