Texas Raptured!

Posted on 03/16/2010 at 9:49 am by Steven Weber

by

In a stunning display of Biblical specificity not seen since the face Jesus’s mother Mary was seen on the underside of Pat Robertson’s barcalounger, the entire state of Texas has been Raptured, with the exception of the city of Austin and actor Thomas Hayden Church.

Governor Rick Perry removed all his clothing moments before, telling reporters “I won’t be needing these anymore!”. When asked what he’ll do when he and the millions of other right wing morons reach Heaven, the Governor (or as one reporter referred to the denuded Republican afterward as “Rock Perky”) replied “I’m gonna ride me one of them dinosaurs. And even though I won’t have pants or a saddle, in Heaven I am certain there is no chaffing.”

Since the Texas State Board of Education amended social studies, history and economics textbooks to reflect an ultra-conservative point of view, the signs that Rapture was imminent began to appear. Piggly Wigglys all over the state began to slash prices on all foods with Olestra in them, bouffant hairdo’s on older Texas matrons spontaneously burst into an ectoplasm-like flame which defied extinguishing and the acne-ridden faces of born again teenagers began to leak ambergris.

The remaining damned gathered for miles around to watch the mass ascension of the Lone Star Staters and, as the last naked putz vanished into a layer of stratocumulus, a cheer rose up which could be heard all the way to Rhode Island and parts of Haiti.

Plans for the now vacated expanse of land include the possible relocation of Israel or just allowing things to grow there again.

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  • jmrunning3

    No! Do not relocate Israel to the recently-vacated Texas. They’ll just treat us surrounding states like Palestine. Let’s just let it be reclaimed naturally.

  • West of the Cascades

    To put it in Biblical terms, a nasty surprise will be awaiting the enraptured Texans: Jesus explaining to them “you are goats … and you will be spending eternity with Mickey Kaus.” Matthew 25:32-46:32 All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats.33 He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you?39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’40 “The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink,43 I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’44 “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’45 “He will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’46 “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”

  • eve

    Ha!Cheers and tears. Cheers for funny satire and tears for students in public schools in Texas.A little bit of hope for the Lone Star State is that these textbook changes have not been accepted yet even though the press reports it as a done deal. I hope the negative press continues to be loud on this. Maybe it will influence the final vote in May. Although I’m not hopeful for a lot of change back to sanity at this point.But…… the most insane on the State Board lost their bids to remain on the board in the REPUBLICAN primary. So even the republicans in Texas are fed up with these idiots.The good news for other state is that with digital publishing, it is much easier and thus not expensive now for publishers to alter textbooks from state to state. So other states’ students should not have to punished for the sins of the Texas State Board of Misinformation.

  • http://www.osborneink.com OsborneInk

    Maybe they went to Mars.

  • DaBomb

    Why is it only Austin being spared?Yet again… all of the major cities in Texas are not filled with a bunch of wingnut rednecks.Houston is one of the largest minority-majority cities in the nation. We have had nothing but dem mayors for the past 25-30 years, ranging from women,blacks, and now an openly gay mayor with two adoptive black daughters. I am a liberal born and raised in Houston.San Antonio isn’t filled with a bunch of wingnuts either. El Paso and all of South Texas lean democrat.So why don’t you all spare the major cities and south Texas.There are lot more Thomas Haden Churches running around here, then what the media shows. And hopefully if Bill White wins, things will start to look a little different.

  • eve

    I live in Dallas County — a BLUE voting county!Bill White has a good shot at being our first Democratic Governor since Ann Richards. That wasn’t so very long ago folks.

  • DaBomb

    @Eve- You are correct. It hasn’t been that long ago. It just kills me how people who have never lived here, think that this state is just filled with Wingnut Event Horizon and somehow Austin is untouched.People need to realize that the University of Austin is one of the main enclaves that give Austin it’s liberal cred. Area surrounding it aren’t so liberal. And there are a good number of conservatives that live there.

  • Irish Girl

    There’s a couple of things that Texas has going against it….They unfortunately gave us Pres. Shrub. And there do seem to be a lot of LOUD wingnuts there. Progressives, in Texas and beyond, tend to be quieter. That being said, I’d be happy if all the wingnuts, no matter where they reside were taken up by the Rapture. I would be in rapture then ;)

  • JDS

    I live in Austin. I think those of you from the other TX cities are exactly right. Austin has its share of right-wingers.I have lived in Arlington,Fort Worth,Houston,an area near Marble Falls and spend a lot of time in Galveston in a beach neighborhood. We also have a place outside of Fredericksberg.I believe that the breakdown in Texas is the same as everywhere else. There are many wise, thoughtful,substantial people here. But there are clearly an overbearing majority who are not.I guess what makes Texas so awful is that it is so big that it has too many people who live in small towns. East Texas and West Texas in general seem to be in a time warp.Luckily for us we don’t have relatives,friends or even neighbors who are Republicans or worse.My son does work where everyone he must associate with only watches FOX, and he is amazed by what he hears from them but he remains pretty much quiet around them. He says they are hopeless. He also thinks it is sad because many of them seem to have some redeeming qualities!We really do wish we were in a different state but we have lived here always and it is where our families are. Also we don’t believe this is a permanent condition but not because of a Rapture!I believe it is slightly possible for Bill White to beat Perry,which would be a start. I intend to do everything I can to make it happen,and I think there are a lot of people who feel the same.

  • DaBomb

    @JDS- You are right about East and West Texas. It is like a time warp.With Texas it’s not the major cities that make us seem crazy, it’s the smaller communities and towns. They are loudest but also the most ignorant.I feel your son’s pain. There are plenty of places where I have worked and my coworkers got their information from FOX news. I use to work for FOX. There’s a guy who walks into our office once a week and he spouts off the crap he heard on Rush Limbaugh’s show.It’s pretty pathetic.

  • JDS

    DaBomb-Pathetic is right.Actually my son feels like our biggest problem is FOX news because so many people watch it believing it IS fair and balanced. He will get stuck where he has to hear it, and he says it is awful.