Praise Gun! Praise Gun!
Gun, if you’re there, and we know you are because we never leave home without your courage and strength, please, please, oh please, oh please– let our many, many, many enemies fall quick and dead when we point and shoot at them wildly in the dark, or in daylight, maybe around lunchtime, or hiding in their Oval offices.
Let all of the gun-grabbing families who threaten our way of life by inviting violence into our schools and workplaces by shunning your grace be struck down in a flurry of hollow point bullets, Dear Gun. This filthy scourge should be cleansed at once from our peaceful non-violent communities, your Holy Gunliness. May your wrath wash this nation clean of the liberty-haters who are jealous of our faith in you. Let them feel your vengeance when they come to take you away, for you are this nation’s True North by way of the Old South.
Grant our hands faster and truer on the draw when our own high noon inevitably shows up 10 minutes early to take you away. Let not our guns jam, or be used by violent lunatics who are clearly disturbed because of too much Liberalism and exposure to technology and the arts.
Dear Gun, you are the creator, the provider, the healer, the redeemer, a seasoned lover, the judge, and the defender of our right to indirectly threaten the public– please light the way toward the crazy ones who defy your peaceful teachings and smite those, especially the women who scoff at your well-oiled chambers and point and laugh at your tiny little muzzle. May they get theirs and be forever shocked and surprised with that look of terror frozen in time as they try to use their hands to cover their faces when your trigger calls, Dear Gun. By your hand, through us, we will finally send those non-believing census takers to their final resting places in your righteous dungeon for all their trespassing on our property.
Because President Obama is out for revenge. He’s trying to destroy our way of life, and he’s trying to kill us all, grabbing every gun in America from our cold dead fingers and shooting us twice while our gun watches.
This is war, y’all. The battle of a generation. This is a war of northern aggression and as sure as they came for our property once, they’re gonna do it again! They can take our slaves, but they’ll never take our gun!
Can I get a hallelujah? Amen?
As the ushers pass around the plates, please give generously for Gun.