Let’s just paint the portrait. You’re a lawmaker from Oklahoma, which naturally makes you a safety-first gun enthusiast and a weathered outdoorsman, championing freedom and liberty on the range for recreational food and male bonding.
You take to the wilderness like a fish in a tree, a natural in your mind, of God’s creation, and mowing down all the forest scum in America reassures you that you’re doing what it takes to keep the country from being overrun by woodland creatures from Mexico and The Center For American Progress. This is your time to give back to nature and set right the proper order of an emasculated food chain.
Hunting with your animal lynching posse used to be easy. You could just show up with your penis hanging out, pop off a couple mustachioed impressions of a real penis, and everyone knew you were the man to beat.
But you stopped doing impressions long ago, simply because liberals and their penile facial hair regulations have only left you with the choices of the “Tom Selleck” and the “John Waters.” And, damn it, you’ve made it your born-again mission in life to bring back “The Handlebar!” It’s just less-slimming.
But being a wage-slave to a taxpayer salary, plus great benefits, has left you frustrated and longing for some inner-peace with your 200 days of free time every year. So, with nowhere else to go to fill that emptiness inside up with the warm blood of your perceived enemies, you take to the woods.
It’s calming out here, amongst the trees, gently blowing upwind– the serene sounds of nature carry with it the chatter and camaraderie of your merry band of sadistic Southern rebels.
There you are with your 12-gauge shotgun, searching for food– big game pheasant. You spot a grouping that has managed to avoid your hunger long enough, and this bounty will no doubt feed your entire family of malnourished jug-blowers who no longer respect your penis’s barefaced ability to hunter/gather. You keep whispering to yourself, “today’s the day Daddy brings home the bounty, ingrates.”
Ah, rest and relaxation… and then, “Bang!”
“Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!”
“Got one!”
OKLAHOMA CITY — A state representative who has authored pro-gun legislation is taking the blame for the accidental shooting of a hunter in northern Oklahoma a month ago.
“I just felt horrible about it. I just was sick,” said Rep. Steve Vaughan, who said he was shooting at a pheasant with a 12-gauge shotgun.
“A bird got up and flew between us, oh, probably 50 yards away,” he said. “I shot at the bird and, I guess, one of my BBs hit this guy. … I didn’t even know I hit him. I’m a safety guy. Gosh, I’m as safety as I can be. I was so mad at myself for even thinking about shooting the bird in this direction where I knew he was down in there.”
Another hunter, Drew Ihrig, was hit in the side of the head by a single shotgun pellet about the size of a BB.