With the "Merry Christmas" insurgency clearly in its last throes, isn't
it time we liberals in Operation Happy Holidays moved on to fight
another battle? I mean, really, we've worked so hard, for so many
years, in relative secret, to destroy the words "Merry" and
"Christmas." Especially when used together. In that order.
But before moving on, I want to give a special shout-out to the sleeper
cell members of the coalition who have worked for decades at the big ad
agencies and greeting card companies -- you know who you are. These
are the people who have gradually poisoned the "Merry Christmas" well
and made "Happy Holidays" the coin of the realm. An extra-special
thanks to the undercover operative on Laura Bush's staff who managed to
sneak the "Happy Holidays from the Bushes" message past the First
Lady's Republican Guard. Seeing the smiling faces of the Bushes and
their pets under the "Happy Holidays" message is even better than
seeing a big banner on an aircraft carrier or an absurdly over-stuffed
crotch. And that's saying a lot, because those are pretty good things.
But moving the battle down the field (of war, because, remember: this
is a war, ladies and gentlemen. A WAR. A WAR ON CHRISTMAS)...the next
phase of Operation Happy Holidays: Kwanzaa.
This ought to be a slam dunk. First of all, Kwanzaa's a pretty new
holiday to these shores. Second, it sounds good: War on Kwanzaa. It
rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? It sounds like a hit single from
some hip hop artist like K. Fed. We should be able to take down
Kwanzaa in a week, and expect to be greeted with flowers and
chocolates.
And then, finally, we can complete the Operation Happy Holidays hat
trick: taking out Hanukkah. Really, the War on Hanukkah should make
the Six Day War look like it was five days too long. Because pretty
much the entire American Jewish population -- and I'm not telling Bill
O'Reilly anything he doesn't already know -- are the backbone of
Operation Happy Holidays (and, yes, that includes Paul Wolfowitz). I
hear what you're asking: "will the Jews take out Hanukkah?" I will
answer that question with another question: "how do you spell
'Hanukkah'? Is it 'Hanukkah' or 'Chanukah'?" Anyone who thinks they
have an answer to that question, I have one thing to
say to you: "bring 'em on." Or it. Bring it on. It or 'em...doesn't
matter, the point is, I'm tough. Tough enough to take out Hanukkah, no
matter how you spell it. Tough enough to wage a War on All December
Based Holidays. And if not exactly "win" that war, at least occupy
December for a very long time.