Posted by "You've Gotta Be Shitting Me" Correspondents Elvis & Redmond
Suddenly I was the book-burning evangelical extremist sweeping down from the North on her broomstick. - Sarah Palin, Going Rogue.
I just assumed every kid learned clever acronyms for planet alignments and the elements of the periodic table between forkfuls of caribou lasagna. - Sarah Palin, Going Rogue.
In which, Redmond and Elvis blog Sections 1-6 of Chapter 4 chronicling the moment John McCain cursed America until at least 2016 by asking Sarah Palin to be his vice-presidential candidate. This, of course, made Sarah believe God wants her in the White House because of all that caribou lasagna she ate. Way to be a dick, John.
Also, special thanks to Shannyn Moore for recognizing our work here as the penultimate analysis of Going Rogue and saying "Andrew Sullivan can suck it." (Okay, she didn't really say that, but deep down we know she meant it.)
REDMOND: GreetingsELVIS: Please kill me. Just stick a long wire into my ear and stab my brain.REDMOND: I take it you've just finished "Sarah Accepts the VP Nom"ELVIS: Or, "I'd Be President Now If It Weren't For Stupid People."REDMOND: Bingo. Because of course Sarah deserved the VP nomination. Providence told her - in a bowl of caribou lasagna.ELVIS: I had Caribou Lasagna for dinner tonight.REDMOND: What I love is not once during this excursion does Sarah think "Wow, I'm horrifically unprepared for this."ELVIS: Exactly.REDMOND: Instead, surprise, she has more experience than Obama, Biden and let's assume those Founding Father fellas a dontcha know.ELVIS: I actually wrote this line on my legal pad: "P228-9: Absolutely ZERO INTROSPECTION. Fuck you."REDMOND: Exactly. Which is why this is one of those times I wish I was reading our handy guide instead of the book. Because you just summed it up in two words without caribou lasagna anecdotes and sports stories.ELVIS: How ingratiating would it have been -- to critics and fans alike -- to throw off ONE "Wow, this is huge. Maybe I'm not, you know, THE LEAST FUCKING LITTLE BIT QUALIFIED FOR THIS"?!?ELVIS: Also, she compared herself to William F. Buckley.REDMOND: I KNOW! There is honestly a shocking lack of humility in this entire thing.ELVIS: Whom I gave a shout-out to, with Teh Ironies, in Last Night's Epsiode.So at that point I wanted to shoot myself in the ball sac.REDMOND: Everything is everyone else's fault and if only they'd consulted Sarah. Seasoned presidential campaign? Pfft. Fuck that. She's got down home Alaska powers. You can't buy that in your fancy New York stores where she swears to God, she didn't want clothes from.ELVIS: I'm booking a flight tomorrow for New Orleans, where I intend to hire some sort of Voodoo Witch Doctor who can make with Teh Mojoings, bring Zombie William F. Buckley to life, and air-drop him into Palin's tour bus so he can eat her brain for saying that.REDMOND: Shit, I'll buy you a private jet just to make that happen. (Do they accept Target credit cards at Jet Land?)ELVIS: Right. Fancy-Pants New Yorkers with their newspapers and their hotels! And their East Coast Accents, whatever the fuck THAT means. Buy Sarah's jet on eBay. Done and done.ELVIS: Notice how casually Ms Populist tosses off the down-home earthiness of the McCains when she's teleported to that Strange, Exotic Land that is Arizona? They lived in an "upscale southwestern" home. Upscale.REDMOND: The McCain's: So down to earth in their millionaire compound. Which was one of about 20.ELVIS: $12 million. Thirteen bedrooms. Fifteen bathrooms. "Upscale."REDMOND: John McCain: Just a folksy fellow tossing gold bars onto the yard as he was known to do during the cooler months. Cindy: Some say she's a frigid bitch, dead to the touch. We cooked caribou lasagna then got fucked up on Percoset.ELVIS: Arizona baffled Sarah. With its "warmth" and its "stars" and those annoying brown people that No Speekee ING-lish!REDMOND: And Steve Schmidt with his baldness. What's THAT all about? Also he believes in evolution, so for the rest of the book, Steve Schmidt will be Satan.ELVIS: Sarah Palin, everyone: Arizona is exotic, no Alaskan has ever seen a cockroach, and she owns her own Piper Cub that they love so much they named a human being after it. SHE'S JUST LIKE YOU, WHITEY! Ah, now we must pause and make with the What The Fuck Dance. With the Evolutions. As you know, this is a special favorite of mine, Teh Evolutions.REDMOND: Somewhere Kurt Cameron read Sarah's Theory of Evolution and ejaculated a new universe onto Ray Comfort. True story.ELVIS: Here's the Money Quote. The one that made me do a Spit Take. Out of my Poop Chute:
"I believed we came about through a random process, but were created by God."
REDMOND: I'm staring at the page trying to guess what it would be.ELVIS: Wha-wha-WHAAAAAT?REDMOND: And I picked the sentence with eskimo ice cream explaining science. But good choice.ELVIS: Random. God. Random. God. I just kept looking for the typo in that sentence.REDMOND: Welcome to Going Rogue: Where No Contradiction Can Happen Too Soon.ELVIS: Anything "created by God" is, by definition, the opposite of "random.""What are we doing today, God?""I thought We'd create humans!""Swell, how are You going to do that?""No fucking idea. Let Me create 'randomness' first, huzzah!"REDMOND: That's exactly how I remember Genesis. "And, lo, did God just throw a bunch of shit around..."ELVIS: "And He saw that it was Random, and the Randomness was good. Also: Random." Chapter Four should be called I AM THE QUEEN OF REVISIONIST HISTORYREDMOND: They should've called the whole book: Going Revisitionist.ELVIS: Palin basically backpedals the fuck out of every conception anyone has ever had of her.REDMOND: Pretty much, but even worse than all of that. After the evolution discussion, John McCain says, "Let's go with her."ELVIS: Right. After which his entire staff shits themselves and update their resumes.REDMOND: But she was a "bold choice," according to Sarah. Who I completely believe to this day has no idea why she was really picked.ELVIS: I love how she assumes there were no briefing books on her because McCain had been so crazy-busy getting the shitted kick out of him to do the actual work.REDMOND: They neeed something close to a black guy on their team: A woman. Preferably with a Jesus-y coat to make James Dobson do a Viagra-powered 180 on McCain.ELVIS: When in reality they simply didn't know squat about her and if they did they certainly didn't want a bulgy notebook filled with that shit!REDMOND: Exactly.ELVIS: But for Sarah, Meh, chalk it up to Busy-Bees! And incompetence.REDMOND: But this magnificent group of people who were so smart to pick her, we're really just morons who handled everything wrong. (Read: Not her way.)ELVIS: Since these people had no fucking clue how to run a campaign. Or, more specifically, how to run a campaign with HER on the ticket.REDMOND: Yet there's no thought pattern that goes "Hey, they fucked everything else up. Could I be a mistake? ... NAH."ELVIS: Have you noticed that every single woman Palin has ever met, ever, is "pretty" or "beautiful"? But don't hang that sexist shit on HER, You Betcha. Sarah Palin: Still trying to win the Beauty Pageant.REDMOND: Which reminds me of another passage:
"I later heard that people thought I wore my hair in an "up-do" so I could look "chic." Nah, it just saves me a few minutes every morning to plop it on top of my head."
ELVIS: Utter bullcrap.REDMOND: Sarah Palin hasn't met a situation she hasn't been able to whittle down to her folksy common sense. And caribou lasagna. (If everyone's not drinking every time I say "caribou lasagna," you're doing it wrong.)ELVIS: (Side Note: I'd just like to give Big Props to our gorgeous First Lady, who was kicking the shit out of it tonight in that gown. Michele Obama is THE HOTTEST First Lady since Eleanor Roosevelt. Oh my GOD did I want to bang Ellie Roosevelt.)REDMOND: I can honestly say I've never wanted to bang a First Lady. Except maybe Hillary circa 1993. You know, because she'd probably be really appreciative. But anyway, back to civilized discourse...ELVIS: What? Not even Mamie Eisenhower?? What the fuck is wrong with you?REDMOND: I turned to porn instead of history books like a healthy human being?ELVIS: Ah. Well-played, sir.REDMOND: Uh oh. This conversation has GONE ROGUE! Ahahahaha. *shoots self in the ear*ELVIS: Also: Caribou Lasagna. Okay, Chapter Four Summation is fairly simple: "Fuck you, McCain Campaign!" Done and done.REDMOND: "Why they no listen to me?" KAPOW!ELVIS: Chapter Four up to page 246, we should say.REDMOND: Wait! We forgot about Teleprompters.ELVIS: OH YES!REDMOND: Oh, Jesus, the teleprompters.ELVIS: The Teleprompters! Those bitchly motherfucking teleprompters! Which she hates, but thank Teh God they were there so she could spin it to her advantage when they break!REDMOND: And here's Sarah Palin inexplicably rambling about teleprompters only to use one in the national convention:
"My experience was that either you knew your speech and delivered it with notes, or you used a teleprompter because you didn't know your speech."
ELVIS: Also: Obama's teleprompter is a Satan Word-Scroll ApparatusREDMOND: Bingo, on the spinning it into this story. Can someone confirm if the teleprompter really broke during Sarah's national convention speech?ELVIS: Apparently that's a lie. Which is shocking. Sullivan has the deets.REDMOND: Also, here's exactly how this whole topic ended up in the book:Sarah: So what do them teabaggers hate?Ghostwriter: Uh, teleprompters?Sarah: Get that shit in there.SHAZAM!ELVIS: Also, Sarah Palin invented the Team of Rivals.REDMOND: She's Abe Lincoln.ELVIS: I almost barfed Lincoln Juice on that one.REDMOND: When she's not William F. Buckley. Or Barack Obama.ELVIS: She makes with the Abe Talk TWICE in 40 pages.REDMOND: Or Ronald Reagan.ELVIS: Once to remind us she was Rival-Teamed before Obama, once to explain her Holy War bullcrap.REDMOND: Or the Jesus Christ of Duct Tape with Prize-winning Caribou Lasagna.ELVIS: Also, she says "bullcrap" at one point. Because she's 7. Mark Wallace makes with the F-Bomb and she bleeps that out in print, but she's comfy with "bullcrap."REDMOND: You can't put the naughty words in a Zondervan publication.ELVIS: Hahahahaha! Zondervan. I get that. They publish Jesus Books.REDMOND: Tell the good people who owns Zondervan.ELVIS: And make ENORMOUS profits.REDMOND: RUPERT MURDOCH. Who's wonderful New York Post is currently running stories about Levi Johnston supposedly acting snooty on airplanes. The Levi Johnston not mentioned once in this book.ELVIS: NOT ONCE! Father of her grandchild. Never named.REDMOND: But I digress. So do you want to be the one to break it to people that there's no way we're finishing this word-based Sodomy machine before Turkey Day?ELVIS: No way in Teh Hells. It's just too painful, people.REDMOND: I now longer sympathize with women in labor. Have you read Going Rogue? Then shut up.ELVIS: Plus, I have to finish building a dollhouse by Christmas, the new Stephen King book is out and fourteen million pages long, and my mother is here. Please shoot me with a bazooka. Also: Caribou Lasagna.REDMOND: So look for our triumphant return after the holiday weekend. Where we'll continue to save you $19.99 and your sanity.ELVIS: Huzzah!REDMOND: Falalala!ELVIS: Merry Christmas, Baby Jesus!REDMOND: Happy Hanukah.. Jewishy Character? I got nothing.ELVIS: No. Painted yourself into a big Jewy corner there.REDMOND: I did. Fortunately they have funny unpronounceable names. Like Stein. HIYO! And he brings it back.ELVIS: POW! The Callback. You, sir, are a PROFESSIONAL.REDMOND: It's why they pay me the medium bucks.ELVIS: Someone should pay you to do nothing but blog. Oh, wait...REDMOND: WINK.ELVIS: GOOD-NIGHT EVERYBODY!REDMOND: G'night everybody! WOW. We are gay.ELVIS: We've become freakishly symbiotic. And gay.